PTSD After Sexual Assault: ‘I Had to Practice Saying I was Raped. Now I Have to Practice Saying I Have PTSD.’

Trigger warning: This post contains descriptions of sexual trauma.

I got a UTI two to three times a month when I was being repeatedly raped. I went to a doctor, and they asked if I was bathing enough, and then prescribed a preventative antibiotic to take before I had sex. Though my body was clearly rebelling against what was happening, no one listened to it—including me. The doctor didn’t ask if my sexually-active relationship was consensual or not, and I didn’t have the language to tell them otherwise.

In the years since, I’ve practiced saying the word “rape.” It happened to me more than once and by someone I know—details I haven’t quite worked out how to relay in one sentence. Again, saying I was raped at all took practice.

Now, years later, I’m physically far away from my abuser but my body still doesn’t feel safe, which often results in panic attacks during or after sex. Without warning, I can’t breathe, think, or override my physical reactions of crying and hyperventilation. My skin crawls until I wrap it up tight, usually in a sweatshirt or blanket. Sometimes my vision goes, or my ears ring. The worst of the episode can last anywhere from three to five minutes; the residual feelings of urgency and shame usually continue all night, often into the following day.

Sometimes I avoid sex for weeks or even months afterward. Other times I seek it out, subconsciously hoping, I’m sure, for a way to release the trauma my body still holds. I wear heavier clothes. The assaults are a constant, aching presence in the back of my mind, as if I’ve forgotten to lock my front door, turn off the oven, or set my alarm. I think about rape when I drink. Sometimes I drink too much because of it. When I’m feeling up to the challenge, I practice looking at my body in the mirror and naming each part—arm, leg, torso—as something that belongs to me, a technique some therapists recommend.

Three months ago, I sat in my therapist’s office recapping an almost idyllic Fourth of July weekend: A trip to upstate New York, farm-to-table meals, oh and a panic attack that left me sick and hyperventilating in the bathroom for an hour. “I think EMDR could really help you,” she said.

EMDR stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy. In my case this looked like holding a buzzer in each hand, their alternating vibrations ping-ponging between my palms as my therapist prompted me to close my eyes and conjure certain memories. She asked me to notice how I felt—physically and emotionally—when remembering those moments.

The session lasted 90 minutes. Afterward, I was disoriented and raw. I couldn’t bring myself to do it again.

A few weeks later, I had lunch with a friend who told me she had PTSD, or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, without so much as a flinch or a nervous blink. She too was in the midst of EMDR therapy—a treatment that’s shown promise for those living with PTSD. When I thought of the condition, I thought of veterans and violent crime survivors, people who’d had knives held to their throats, guns to their backs. People who certainly weren’t me.

Do I have PTSD? I asked my therapist in our next session. She pulled out her DSM-5, a manual which defines and classifies mental disorders, with the caveat that diagnosis is an inexact science; then she read off the criteria for PTSD. There are eight, five of which have between two and seven sub-criteria. I met each of the main criteria and all of the subs except for three.

In that moment, I realized I’ve had imposter syndrome about my own mental health; somehow the years I spent in a body that at any moment might betray me didn’t feel like enough evidence to warrant a serious diagnosis. In a twisted way, my panic attacks and struggling for intimacy with myself and partners for years, didn’t feel significant enough to qualify for PTSD. Why did I need the DSM-5 to tell me what my body had known all along?

The Comfiest Winter Boots for Women

Hey, reader! Winter boots for women are what you’re here for, but you might notice that there’s a new tool showing up on this page composed of pieces to buy. Our new shopping technology is furthering our goal of surfacing and suggesting the best things to buy across the web. For now, we’ve launched with two great retail partners: Gap and Walmart. Whether you’re browsing desktop or mobile, any Glamour story featuring a shopping bag icon means you’ll be able to instantly shop relevant, curated products. Already inside the story? Check out the product picks to your left on desktop and right on mobile. Happy shopping!

Winter boots for women can often be a challenge to style around: They can be clunky, heavy, and generally lack the cool factor of a crisp white sneaker or a sleek, easy-to-walk-in heel. But once that snow starts to hit and the temperature gets to freezing, idea of looking stylish kind of goes out the window. But! There are indeed ways to combine comfort and warmth with genuine style, as far as winter boots go. Check out the outfits below and note how each woman seamlessly incorporated winter boots into their looks, then shop some really cute pairs, all for under $50 .

Gustavo Caballero

Even in the iciest conditions, an oversized belted winter coat adds glamour to any outfit—even when rubbery winter boots are involved.

Jeremy Moeller

Flat winter ankle boots look extra cool with a skinny jean and a statement coat.

Christian Vierig

An over-the-knee boot goes a long way when the heel is low and walkable—and look surprisingly modern with trousers instead of jeans or tights for a change.

Christian Vierig

A classic sheepskin boot doesn’t have to be reserved for your most casual days. She pairs hers with a silk dress and furry coat.

Laurent Viteur

…But they also look flawless with a waxed jean and similarly cozy coat.

Arnaldo Magnani

Even Sarah Jessica Parker is a woman who loves a winter boot—and always looks stylish.

Christian Vierig

Any pair of warm over-the-knee boots works with blue jeans and a classic button-down.

Anna Webber

Style tip: Wear all black except for your winter boot.

‘I Kept My Miscarriage A Secret From My Best Friend’

My best friend Sophie and I got married within months of each other. We bonded in college over our shared propensity to laugh at things no one else found funny, and the experience of being daughters to Irish mothers (if you have one, you will understand). We were inseparable. Both only children, it was somewhat inevitable that we became like sisters.

Adulthood hit us both differently. We were both very career oriented—Soph, a journalist, me, an executive at a tech company—but I got pregnant within a few months of being married and she set off on a new adventure, temporarily moving to a different country for a job. The months passed, my son Fin arrived, and we saw each other a little less than usual whilst she was working away. When she returned home, we slipped right into a new normal: Her adoring Fin, Fin in awe of his aunty Sophie, me back at work and glad my sister was home.

It was around this time that she started to open up about the fact that she and her husband had been trying to conceive. She wasn’t sure why it wasn’t happening.

At first, we both lived in false platitudes. “It will happen.” “Of course it will!” But as the months rolled into years, it increasingly became apparent that actually, it might not “just happen” for my best friend.

I watched as Sophie and her husband avoided events where babies might be, flinch as a pregnant woman walked into the room, and have their hearts broken into millions of pieces over and over again when rounds of IVF were not successful. We watched our friends decline a glass of wine, and smile apologetically as they popped to the bathroom to administer another dose of hormones for their latest attempt to conceive.

At she embarked on more treatment, I was launching Peanut, a social network for moms. I winced when she offered to test my app, to share with colleagues who were mothers, when she couldn’t use it as a mother herself. “Not yet” I’d correct her, and she would give me a soft smile. She sat with me whilst I obsessed over data, fundraising with investors, bug fixes. I sat nervously by the phone whilst she took another pregnancy test, waiting for that line, and looked in horror at the plethora of fertility drugs she was on. She joked I should make Peanut for women like her, trying to conceive, “I could do with someone else to talk to about this to be honest,” she said.

Last year, I got pregnant again—totally unplanned. As I sat in the bathroom looking at the test the only person I could think of was Soph. How would I tell her? How could I do that to her? How could I become someone she needed to avoid for a year or so for self-preservation? How could we survive that? So for the first time in my adult life, I did something I’ve never done before: I kept a secret from my best friend.

Over the next few weeks, I bumbled through the idea of becoming a new parent again. My breasts grew tender, my stomach started to bloat, I shared secret smiles with my barista as I ordered decaf. Then one morning, when I pulled back the bedcovers, I saw a dark crimson stain on the sheets. It was over. I’d had a miscarrige.

My husband and I stood staring at what might have been, devastated. But it’s strange how fast self-preservation kicks in—I stripped the bed, I dressed Fin for school made his breakfast, got ready for work, and grabbed my Starbucks (relishing the caffeine) on the way in. Later that day, my doctor confirmed I had miscarried.

Gigi Hadid Wore a Full Face of Drugstore Makeup to the CMAs—and Crushed It

We are always here for an unexpected Gigi Hadid sighting—like when she showed up as Kacey Musgraves‘ date at last night’s CMA Awards. We love it even more when she shows up with an impeccably gorgeous makeup look that we can’t wait to recreate for every holiday party we go to this season. Oh, and did we forget to mention that every product is available at the drugstore?

Hadid’s go-to makeup artist, Patrick Ta, was “inspired by the flashing lights of Nashville and the vibrant glam of country music” and put the focus of the look at the supermodel’s golden shimmery eyes and nude lip using Maybelline products. (Hadid is a face for the brand.)

Let’s break it down, shall we.

FACE:

To create Hadid’s glowing skin, Ta lightly contoured her cheeks with the darkest shade of Maybelline FaceStudio Master Contour V-Shape DuoStick in Deep and then followed that with a lighter shade under the eyes, in the center of the forehead, on the chin, and the bridge of the nose. “Next, I used the Maybelline FitMe Blush in Nude and applied it to the apples of her cheeks, blending into the contour for a seamless finish,” Ta said in a release. “For a subtle but impactful highlight, I applied Maybelline FaceStudio Master Chrome Metallic Highlighter in Molten Gold to the highest but flattest points of her cheekbones. I set the look using the Maybelline FaceStudio Lasting Fix Makeup Setting Spray to ensure her glam stays put all night!”

Bonus tip: Hadid’s other makeup artist, Erin Parsons, previously told Glamour that you can “add an extra layer of glow by using a powder highlighter on top of a cream. I love the Maybelline FaceStudio Master Chrome Highlighter because it’s not glittery or chunky—it just gives the ultimate glimmer.”

Maybelline FaceStudio Master Contour V-Shape DuoStick in Deep

Amazon

$7.99

Buy Now

Maybelline FitMe Blush in Nude

Amazon

$4.99

Buy Now

Maybelline FaceStudio Master Chrome Metallic Highlighter in Molten Gold

Ulta

$9.99

Buy Now

Maybelline FaceStudio Lasting Fix Makeup Setting Spray

Ulta

$9.99

Buy Now

EYES:

Ta broke out his “favorite palette”—Maybelline Lemonade Craze Eyeshadow Palette—and applied the shade Sweet Tea with a fluffy blush and applied it to Hadid’s crease, blending out to make sure there were no hard edges. He then added the shade Sherbet across her entire eyelid using a flat brush. Fun fact: Ta even created his own line of brushes, including an eye shadow brush, specifically designed to “expertly blend shadows into the crease during application,” he told Glamour.

To tie the shades together, he also applied Sweet Tea to her lower lash line before moving on to the sharp wing which he created with Maybelline TattooStudio Sharpenable Gel Pencil Longwear Eyeliner in Deep Onyx and would certainly meet with approval from Hadid’s friend, Taylor Swift. He finished off her eyes with two coats of The Falsies Black Drama Washable Mascara.

Maybelline Lemonade Craze Eyeshadow Palette

Amazon

$10.99

Buy Now

Maybelline TattooStudio Sharpenable Gel Pencil Longwear Eyeliner in Deep Onyx

Amazon

$6.99

Buy Now

Maybelline Volum’ Express The Falsies Black Drama Washable Mascara

Amazon

$6.99

Buy Now

LIPS:

“I created Gigi’s statement nude lip by lining the lips with Maybelline Color Sensational Shaping Lip Liner in Purely Nude followed by Maybelline Color Sensational The Loaded Bolds Lipstick in Nude Thrill,” Ta said. And we love how the lip is subtle, yet somehow bold, all at the same time—which perfectly balances out her shimmery eyes.

Maybelline Color Sensational Shaping Lip Liner in Purely Nude

Amazon

$7.25

Buy Now

Maybelline Color Sensational The Loaded Bolds Lipstick in Nude Thrill

Buy Now

Gigi Hadid Wore a Full Face of Drugstore Makeup to the CMAs

We are always here for an unexpected Gigi Hadid sighting—like when she showed up as Kacey Musgraves‘s date at last night’s CMA Awards. We love it even more when she shows up with an impeccably gorgeous makeup look that we can’t wait to re-create for every holiday party we go to this season. Oh, and did we forget to mention that every product is available at the drugstore?

Hadid’s go-to makeup artist, Patrick Ta, was “inspired by the flashing lights of Nashville and the vibrant glam of country music” and put the focus of the look at the supermodel’s golden shimmery eyes and nude lip using Maybelline products. (Hadid is a face for the brand.)

Let’s break it down, shall we?

FACE:

To create Hadid’s glowing skin, Ta lightly contoured her cheeks with the darkest shade of Maybelline FaceStudio Master Contour V-Shape DuoStick in Deep and then followed that with a lighter shade under the eyes, in the center of the forehead, and on the chin and the bridge of the nose. “Next I used the Maybelline FitMe Blush in Nude and applied it to the apples of her cheeks, blending into the contour for a seamless finish,” Ta said in a release. “For a subtle but impactful highlight, I applied Maybelline FaceStudio Master Chrome Metallic Highlighter in Molten Gold to the highest but flattest points of her cheekbones. I set the look using the Maybelline FaceStudio Lasting Fix Makeup Setting Spray to ensure her glam stays put all night!”

Bonus tip: Hadid’s other makeup artist, Erin Parsons, previously told Glamour that you can “add an extra layer of glow by using a powder highlighter on top of a cream.” She also loves the Maybelline Chrome Highlighter because it’s not glittery or chunky—”it just gives the ultimate glimmer.”

Maybelline FaceStudio Master Contour V-Shape DuoStick in Deep

Amazon

$7.99

Buy Now

Maybelline FitMe Blush in Nude

Amazon

$4.99

Buy Now

Maybelline FaceStudio Master Chrome Metallic Highlighter in Molten Gold

Ulta

$9.99

Buy Now

Maybelline FaceStudio Lasting Fix Makeup Setting Spray

Ulta

$9.99

Buy Now

EYES:

Ta broke out his “favorite palette”—Maybelline Lemonade Craze Eyeshadow Palette—and applied the shade Sweet Tea with a fluffy blush and applied it to Hadid’s crease, blending out to make sure there were no hard edges. He then added the shade Sherbet across her entire eyelid using a flat brush. Fun fact: Ta even created his own line of brushes, including an eye shadow brush, specifically designed to “expertly blend shadows into the crease during application,” he told Glamour.

To tie the shades together, he applied Sweet Tea to her lower lash line before moving on to the sharp wing, which he created with Maybelline TattooStudio Sharpenable Gel Pencil Longwear Eyeliner in Deep Onyx and would certainly meet with approval from Hadid’s friend Taylor Swift. He finished off her eyes with two coats of The Falsies Black Drama Washable Mascara.

Maybelline Lemonade Craze Eyeshadow Palette

Amazon

$10.99

Buy Now

Maybelline TattooStudio Sharpenable Gel Pencil Longwear Eyeliner in Deep Onyx

Amazon

$6.99

Buy Now

Maybelline Volum’ Express The Falsies Black Drama Washable Mascara

Amazon

$6.99

Buy Now

LIPS:

“I created Gigi’s statement nude lip by lining the lips with Maybelline Color Sensational Shaping Lip Liner in Purely Nude, followed by Maybelline Color Sensational The Loaded Bolds Lipstick in Nude Thrill,” Ta said. And we love how the lip is subtle yet somehow bold, all at the same time—which perfectly balances out her shimmery eyes.

Maybelline Color Sensational Shaping Lip Liner in Purely Nude

Amazon

$7.25

Buy Now

Maybelline Color Sensational The Loaded Bolds Lipstick in Nude Thrill

Buy Now

The Best Looks from the 2019 CMA Awards 2019

The 2019 CMA Awards are in the books and, as usual, country music’s biggest stars—along with a few Hollywood A-listers—did not disappoint on the red carpet.

Kacey Musgraves arrived in a very on-brand Valentino Couture gown—and brought supermodel Gigi Hadid as her plus one. Reese Witherspoon chose a perfect LBD from Versace, while her Big Little Lies co-star Nicole Kidman opted for a more colorful option from the same designer. And all three of the show’s hosts dressed to the nines, with Reba McEntire, Dolly Parton, and Carrie Underwood on hand to shepherd the genre’s biggest night.

But it was singer Jennifer Nettles’ dress that made the boldest statement.

The gown, a collaboration between Christian Siriano and artist Alice Mizrachi, featured two messages, responding to an industry wide-discussion about the trouble female stars have getting their music play on country radio stations. On the back, Nettles’ dress read, “Equal play.” And when she opened her cape, it blared, “Play our f*@#!g records please & thank you.” Point taken!

Here are all of our favorite looks from the 2019 CMA Awards.

The Bachelor 2020: Of Course Peter Weber’s First Promo Includes a Windmill

Peter Weber‘s season of The Bachelor airs in January, which seems like a lifetime away. But ABC just dropped a little something to tide us over: This first promo for what’s to come. And, reader, it’s wild.

The CGI-tastic teaser starts with a shot of a plane flying in the sky as a cover of Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good” plays. (A fitting image, seeing as how Weber is a pilot and was dubbed “Pilot Pete” on Hannah Brown’s season of The Bachelorette.)

We then pan, hilariously, to a windmill, which is a not-so-subtle nod to the sex confession heard ’round the world on Brown’s season. (She told viewers that she and Weber slept together not once, not twice, but four times on their Fantasy Suite date—a date that took place inside a windmill.) Weber then emerges from the animated windmill, rose in hand, with a smolder in his eyes. His face, thank goodness, seems completely healed from the “freak accident” that happened earlier this year while filming in Costa Rica. (He reportedly tripped and fell on top of two cocktail glasses.)

You have to see this teaser to believe it. Watch on, Bachelor Nation, and be transformed.

Weber’s contestants for his season of The Bachelor were revealed earlier this year, and the lack of size diversity was glaring (though, thankfully, there was some racial diversity).

“It’s still hitting me right now, and I feel so grateful right now just to have this opportunity in front of me,” Weber told People shortly after his Bachelor-ship was announced. “I feel emotional right now. This is crazy. This is life-changing. I have truly, my entire life, looked forward to finding my girl, and that first person that I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with…. I have all the faith in the world that this can work for me, and I know it’s going to.”

Peter Weber’s season of The Bachelor will premiere in January 2020.

A Huge Reformation Sale Is Happening at Nordstrom Right Now

Reformation’s midi dresses and vintage-inspired tops were everywhere this summer—on well-dressed celebrities like Priyanka Chopra, Irina Shayk, and Emily Ratajkowski—and, probably, you (or someone in your friend group).

But even though winter is coming, don’t let that stop you from stocking up on their hero pieces to wear now…just maybe with tights. Get Reformation dresses, jumpsuits, and tops on sale—up to 40% off, right now at Nordstrom. Plus, its offering free shipping and returns on all sale items, which is a perk you wouldn’t get shopping in-store at a Reformation.

Since the brand only has two big annual sales (one during summer and another at the end of the year), we’d recommend picking up a piece (or two!) while things are discounted at the trusted retailer through November 17. And, in case you missed it: The brand also expanded its sizing last year to be more inclusive, and many of the items that are on sale are also available in petite and plus sizes.

To help you find the pieces worth your money, we’ve picked the best Reformation sale markdowns we can’t wait to get our hands on. Whether you’re looking for a cute top for date night or need an LBD to impress your co-workers at the annual holiday office party, consider it handled.

All products featured on Glamour are independently selected by our editors. However, when you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Every Disney Live-Action Movie Currently in the Works

All products featured on Glamour are independently selected by our editors. However, when you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

Disney+ bundle with Hulu and ESPN+
$13, Buy now at Disneyplus.com

The arrival of Disney’s new streaming platform, Disney+, has absolutely everyone buzzing. And rightfully so: The service includes so many of your childhood favorites, including princess flicks like Cinderella and Aladdin, Disney Channel TV shows, and Disney Channel Original Movies. And Disney’s slate of live-action remakes, like Beauty and the Beast, is also now available on the streaming platform. (See a full guide here.)

Even more exciting is the fact that Disney has so many more live-action films in the works, which means it’s only a matter of time before those hit theaters and, eventually, Disney+. Here’s a list of every Disney live-action movie—some we’ve seen, some are coming soon, and a few are still in the rumor phase.

What we’ve seen already

101 Dalmatians

When: 1996

Starring: Glenn Close as Cruella de Vil, Jeff Daniels, Joely Richardson, Hugh Laurie

The Takeaway: Puppies on puppies on puppies = live-action gold.

Alice in Wonderland

When: 2010

Starring: Johnny Depp, Mia Wasikowska, Helena Bonham Carter, Anne Hathaway

The Takeaway: The fantastical film was a match made in Disney heaven with director Tim Burton’s quirky style—evidenced by its spot as Burton’s most successful film ever.

Maleficent

When: 2014

Starring: Angelina Jolie as Maleficent, Elle Fanning as Princess Aurora

The Takeaway: Disney-princess stories—even ones told from the dark side—make for mega-box office success (Maleficent helped Disney reach its most successful year ever in 2014).

Cinderella

When: 2015

Starring: Lily James, Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter, Richard Madden

The Takeaway: See above. Cinderella has raked in more than $400 million worldwide (and counting).

The Jungle Book

When: 2016

Starring: Scarlett Johansson, Idris Elba, Bill Murray, Christopher Walken, Lupita Nyong’o

The Takeaway: CGI is an incredible innovation.

Beauty and the Beast

When: 2017

Starring: Emma Watson as Belle, Emma Thompson, Josh Gad, Luke Evans, Dan Stevens

The Takeaway: Emma Watson as Belle—’nuff said. (Audiences agreed.)

Christopher Robin,

When: 2018

Starring: Hayley Atwell, Ewan McGregor

Tke Takeaway: So many feels.

Mary Poppins

When: 2018

51 Best Gifts for Your Boyfriend that Are Far From Basic

High up there on the list of people most difficult to shop for? Always, without fail, the boyfriend. Figuring out what to gift your mom, best friend, and white elephant recipient can be hard enough, but there’s something about shopping for the guy you love (or maybe just really like) that adds extra stress to the holiday season.

Finding the best gifts for your boyfriend can be a struggle because one, the last thing you want to do is clutter his dresser with another pair of striped socks. Two, he already has enough briefs to last a lifetime, and three, he probably doesn’t align with your love of cactus-themed stationery—so what do you do?

Fear not! Whether your guy is an outdoorsman or a sports fanatic, a techie, or a kid at heart, we’ve got potential presents to wow even the pickiest man. Ahead: 51 creative, functional, and stylish gifts that will show your person just how thoughtful you are.

All products featured on Glamour are independently selected by our editors. However, when you buy something through our retail links, we may earn an affiliate commission.