The toddler-aged reptile, whom I have personally never met, has quickly become a focal point of my day. Early each morning, I scour the internet for Sebastian content, scrolling through Instagram and Twitter, Teigen’s twin empires. I check tabloids for paparazzi shots of Sebastian, sunning himself on the estate he shares with the family. I watch compilation videos of Sebastian’s journey. I watch an IG story of Chrissy and her two year old son Miles playing Hungry Hippos, and I think about how I am a hippo, hungry for more media featuring Sebastian.
Grown to the size of a beautiful sperm, the lizard appeared in a video on Chrissy’s Twitter, where he was measured and weighed. (Sebastian is a quarter of an ounce. Miles is a comparatively hefty 25 pounds, making him the weight of approximately 1,600 lizards.) Early in Sebastian’s media career, he appeared in absentia in a Teigen post—a picture of Miles sitting next to a sign showing off his weight, height, and the prompt “I don’t like…” followed by the words, “my pet bearded dragon.” Real Housewives is canceled, replaced by celebrity children doing talking head segments, talking trash about their pet lizards. But on June 18, Teigen posted a picture of Sebastian repelling up Miles’ pajama-clad body, with the caption, “He LOOOOOVES his beardy now.”
On June 20, every Teigen summer storyline came together in one satisfying twist, when she Instagram story-d a picture of Sebastian resting on her “healing boobies.” I, too, am healing by way of Sebastian.
There is a special pleasure in watching this inhumanly beautiful, rich family interact with a minuscule reptile. Teigen’s voice sounds like a seltzer can slowly cracking open. And her family’s home has the kind of luxury I have only experienced personally while loitering in a Restoration Hardware. But knowing that all this gentle luxury is now being intermingled with a small scaly animal and its (according to pet websites) thousands of cricket and cockroach snacks? This is what puts this content over the edge for me.
I worry about Sebastian. Look what has become of other celebrity animals—Ben Affleck and Ana De Armas walk their dogs so constantly that it seems more like a kind of performance art than pet exercise. And what about the animal formerly known as Piggie Smalls? When Pete Davidson gifted Ariana Grande a baby pig, it made headlines around the world. But after their breakup was out of the news, we never saw that pig again. Is Piggie Smalls bacon now?
I trust the Teigen-Legends to care for their family lizard, even though they are currently on vacation on some kind of multi-story yacht, with no lizard in sight.
“It takes a serious commitment to be a responsible owner of a bearded dragon,” according to the Maritime Aquarium at Norwalk. “Beardies can live for six to ten years—and some have lived twice that long!” Watch this space—we’ll be back here in 2040 discussing the life and legacy of Sebastian, bearded lizard and friend of Glamour.
Jenny Singer is a staff writer for Glamour. You can follow her on Twitter.